Getting My Toes Done

Dear Mom,
Today I treated myself and had a pedicure. I went on my lunch hour to a nail salon on the square in Gainesville. I really liked the place and they weren't as expensive as the last place I went to. I desperately needed a pedicure! Anyway, a lady came in while I was there. She must have been a "regular" b/c all of the ladies greeted her by name. The technician doing my toes told me that the lady's husband had suddenly died a few weeks ago from a heart attack. This must have been the first time she'd been in since that b/c all the ladies were asking her how she was doing. They were looking at her the way people look at Dad now. She acted like Dad too when she responded. Her voice cracked and she said she was doing ok.

As she got closer (she was having her toes done, too) I realized that she looked so much like you. She was about your age, same hair style, same curve in her back, same blue jeans, tennis shoes, t-shirt combo that you often wore. She was thin and looked a little frail like you.

A wave of sorrow came over me, Mom. My instinct was to get up and hug her! I wanted to hug her b/c she was experiencing a loss similar to mine, I wanted to hug her b/c she looked like you. Odd as it sounds, I think this was the first time I really thought, "I'll never be able to hug Mom again." I haven't really let my emotions flow so this overwhelming sadness took me by surprise.

So there I sat at the nail salon with tears running down my face. They must have thought I was nuts! It got to the point where I couldn't even look at the lady. I never did go up and hug her. She might have called the police on me!

I guess I have a long way to go.

Miss you,
Anna

Cookies

Dear Mom,
I know you were laughing at me trying to make the p-nut butter cookies. Hey, I tried! I need more practice. Hopefully, one day they will be as good as yours. Tell me, did Dad even eat them?

Love,
Anna

Deep Blue Heart -- John Mellencamp

Daylight is leaving and the night is closing in
In just a few hours the sleeplessness begins again
My head feels thick and I'm unable to think
I guess I'll wait 'til tomorrow and see what it brings.
I have a little hope left and I guess that's someplace to start
But my memory's full of a deep blue heart.
My fun-loving sense of humor is nowhere to be found
I stare into my own eyes with tears flowing down
I'd sing out a song but I've forgotten the tune
And the words now escape me but I think it's about you.

Feelings

Hey Mom,

I am sure you already know this, but I am struggling with the fact that you are gone. It was easy the first few days but now I guess it is setting in that you actually died.

Just the other day I was thinking that I really needed to call you because the past few times I called I only spoke with Dad.. silly me. The array of difficult emotions I have are almost overwhelming, especially when I am idle, so I try to stay as busy as possible, work helps, but at night it is really, really difficult.

I thought it would not be so difficult since I prepared myself for this inevitable time to come but now that it happened I can not believe that you are actually gone. I, as Anna, keep seeing you in the hospital over and over again ...*sigh*.... that was extremely tough. When I see you in the hospital, I immediately try to usher in a different memory of when you were alive, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

One of the most difficult things was seeing the kids. Dad is doing as best he can, but in time I think he will be ok and so will Anna and I.

I bet you are so relieved to be done with earth and your earthly body, it must be indescribable the joy and peace you have now... that makes me very, very happy.... but still, I will forever miss you!!

I love you,
Laura

PS. "This ain't getting it done" is going on your grave marker ;)

PSS. Thank you Anna for creating this.

Clothes

Dear Mom,
I took most of your clothes, shoes and purses to the Gateway House today. Dad asked me to pack it all up last weekend. He kept a few items for himself. I threw out things like your underwear (I didn't think anyone would want that!), your make-up etc. It wasn't easy. In fact, it just plain sucked. I gave Serena a few of your purses. Jack wanted that old lion purse mirror that you used to carry. He likes to play with it! Dad wasn't going to let him have it but I insisted on it. Jack is having a hard time with this, as you know.

Other than that, I am taking this one day at a time. I'm not sure how to handle dad. He seems to only want Laura around and Laura's attention. Has it always been that way and I just never noticed? Was it that way when we were kids? I've tried to help him but I just don't think I can.

I miss you, Mom. I can't really look at pictures of you yet. All I can see is you in the hospital. I've been told that will fade over time. I surely hope so.

Take care,
Anna

Are There Blogs In Heaven?

I've been thinking, if there are blogs in Heaven, my mom is definitely reading them. When she was lucid, she enjoyed the blogs. In fact, I still have her blog bookmarked...I can't bare to delete it. It only has 2 or so postings, she never really got the hang of it. But when she did, she loved to read our family blog, or my sister's blog, or mine.

So, in missing her so much, I've created a blog for her. I can't email her anymore, so I'll post updates to her. Yes, this is strange, I'll admit that. However, someone recently told me that when a parent dies, do whatever you need to do to get through it. Grieve in any way you see fit. Well, that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm going to invite my sister to blog also. She may not and I will hold nothing against her if she doesn't want to. We are each dealing with mom's death in different ways.